9.27.01

Well my site went down from Integrity Online. So I went and registered www.achairslife.com but won't have the funds to get it up until next month. So now I'm just posting this cause amazingly people have still found my site. So I figured I'd have an updated version on my scidco.com domain just until I get the new site up. Life is hectically busy and we'll soon see how the new site'll look.

Bye

9.15.01

Well last night I had a BLAST! I ended up going miniture golfing for the first time in ages with my best friend. It was just a fun time of hangin out and being goofy together. I wish we would have kept score cause I beat him!!!! hahahahahaha But of course I didn't gloat or nothing. :) But it was totally fun. We got into one of those booths and took pictures too and I thought I'd post them today but then realized that I don't have a scanner. :( So that sucks... I'm gonna have to wait for a while or until I can go somewhere to scan it. But normally I don't go out and do things like that and I guess that's what made it so fun. That we were able to go do something out of the ordinary. I had been stuck at home all day with work so I wanted to make sure to get outside! :) It was pretty cool.

Then last night I finally got to see the sermon/message from Rev. Billy Graham. My mom had told me about it and I was hoping to catch a glance at it. Well it was 1 am but finally they showed the whole memorial service again. And it was really awesome to hear what Billy Graham had to say and how exiciting this is for the Christian view point and how he feels basically everything I felt. Everything I had ever talked about with this terrorist attack he mentioned. It was awesome to have someone represent the Christian community in that way. And to express the gratitude he had for President Bush and everything. It was really cool to see. I noticed as he walked up he seemed so old and worn out but when he was speaking he seemed so powerful and stable that I knew it could only be that God was with him. I love that feeling. After his message people gave him a standing ovation! Nobody else got that! That was cool. And then while that one lady sang the Lord's Prayer I saw Ex-President Clinton singing along with feeling and emotion and I couldn't help but think "hypocrit!" But oh well. Maybe God has worked on him. I just have a hard time believing that. I feel a lot of respect for President Bush right now. He doesn't seem fake in any way. Which is a STARK contrast of our last President.

Well I gotta get going to an open house that I'm helping set up for. Maybe I'll write more later tonight.

Bye

9.13.01

I haven't really done anything but talk about this terrorist situation or watch the news since it happened. It is kind of a crazy feeling. I feel sick and very emotional. And since the days since I've noticed I've become more diplomatic in my pride in being an American. I want to show my support by flying the American flag. And when I drive around and see the flag in the shops flying proudly I feel better somehow. I'm not too sure why. But it's comforting to know we're pulling together as a country. I have a feeling that things won't ever be the same for the world though. I kind of felt this was like the Beginning of the End. Ya know? Like the world will always be different. I know for a fact that America had a rude sense of reality Tuesday morning. I'm very bothered by these events. But I still feel like things are changing in my heart towards my country and I guess that's a good thing. I think President Bush is doing an awesome job! But I kind of fear that something is gonna happen to him because he's really doing such a good job. Does that make sense? Like something will happen to him and someone worse will have to take over. I'm not sure.

For my PartyLite gift bags for the hostess and door prize winners I'm putting a candle and flags and a flag pin with a statement "Please light this candle in memory and support of those affected by the tragic events of September 11th, 2001." I felt that it would be a good way to show my support and will help people give their support.

Somehow talking about my trivial life seems selfish and pathetic. But I fear that only talking about this tragedy will only keep me from focusing on what I need to do every day. Which is still work and try to get better at what it is that I do. My teacher cancelled class yesterday and I fear that because he lived in New York maybe he has some family involved in the attack. But then again it could just be that he's an anthropologist and they called him out there. Or some totally different reason all together not even having to do with that situation. But of course everything in life right now centers around this whole thing.

My room looks sooo awesome! I'll post pictures of it as soon as I can. Basically with all the money I got for my birthday I got blinds for my room from Pier One. And I even had enough money left over to get a 5 tier book shelf! And my room is WAY less cluttered. So I took pictures of it today cause I was so proud of it. And surprisingly it just makes my room look sooo much better. Not so mis-matched like it used to. And amazingly it brightens my room DRASTICALLY! I had black blinds before! Now their a really cool oriental looking blind that rolls up with like paper looking material. It's just cool. :) So I'll post those soon.

Well I guess I should get going. I have a few things I need to get done. Bye

9.11.01

I'm suddenly humming the tune to an old R.E.M song.... Lyrics stating "It's the end of the world as we know it, it's the end of the world as we know it... and I feel fine." I'm not so sure about the feeling fine part but that song just keeps haunting me today as I'm listening to these terrorists updates on all the channels. I was woken up this morning by my best friend who called me at 6:45 this morning and asks... "ARE YOU WATCHING THE NEWS?" No, I'm painting my toenails now leave me alone! :) hehehehe I was dead to the world, there was no reason for me to be watching the news. But then he tried to explain what happened. You know when you're half asleep and someone tries to explain a serious event and your imagination goes wild because they are speaking too fast for you to catch everything being said. Well that's what it was like for me. I heard that two airplanes were highjacked and hit into the towers. Not totally knowing what was going on I thought the airport towers were what he was talking about. But no... Finally I understood and was definitely in shock. I ended up turning on the tv around 7:30 am and saw that every channel had something to do with the attack. I saw the footage of the second plane ramming into the second tower and my mouth dropped open! Someone intentionally killed themselves along with everyone on the plane and the thousands that were in the building! My first thought is that the Beginning of the End is here... I was just waiting for the BIG ONE to hit California... The BIG ONE meaning earthquake. I felt that with all this chaos that the earthquake just had to be on its way. I know that's unlikely but this whole situation is just very unsettling. No matter what happens to whoever did this, the United States will never feel that strong sense of security. I mean I know we've had terrorists attacks before but it's kinda known that USA is the big guns! Litterally! No one wants to mess with us cause we could squash them. But now I'm thinking that our entire society realizes how vulnerable we really are. I don't feel like things will go back to normal. I guess knowing the end times will be filled with stuff like this has made this seem all the more scarey. I mean think about it... The end times are going to be filled with wars and rumors of wars, natural catastrophys, and it's just gonna keep coming. It slaps you into reality pretty quickly. So I just felt the need to express my thoughts, so that tomorrow I will know this was not just a dream, and that everyone I've talked to has not been able to get over the shock of the whole thing. The image of that plane is going to haunt me for a while I can tell. I just think of the people in the plane. Screaming and knowing or not knowing what was going to happen to them. I think of the thousands that were in the towers and how some footage showed people leaning out the windows the breathe, and the reality that some chose to jump to their death rather then wait to see if they could be rescued. That thought alone makes me feel that they must have been in torture to do such a thing. How horrible.

Lord I say another prayer for the families of the people involved in this huge mess. I pray that You would give them strength and comfort whether they are still waiting to hear if their loved ones are ok or if they did not make it. I just pray that You would be there with them. Guide the workers and volunteers to as many people quickly Lord so that as many people as possibly can be saved from that wreck. I pray that those that might be near death would come to You Father! That they would see that You will bring them to a place better then they've ever imagined. Help them cry out to You Father. Those that are scared and unsure of where they are or what happened I pray that You would send angels to watch over them until rescuers can get to them. In Your Name, AMEN!

9.6.01

Two days after my birthday and things are finally getting back to normal. Not only in the respect that it was a holiday/birthday weekend but that it was basically an emotional weekend for me as well. Finally things are working out and getting to be ok again. I'm 24 years old and feel like I'm lying and that I'm only just turning 21 maybe! Why is that? Is it because most people that are 24 are either married or getting married and have kids or whatever. I'm not too sure. But I am not regretting where I am. I met a 23 year old who had a 2 week old son and I was like THANK GOD I don't have kids yet. I'm not ready! I'm not ready for a lot though. I'm seeing that God has a ton of work to do on me yet. Which is fine with me. I finally feel ready to take the things I feel he wants me to change. I can finally try to work on them. I've realized trying to take care of it myself has only brought on heartache. And now that I've gone to Him things have worked out for the best. I feel like everyone I know is under some form of attack, spiritually that is. And I think I myself was for this last weekend and I was so blinded by it that I didn't try to seek God for anything. So we'll see. I have made a committment with my best friend to spend some serious quality time with God. No phones, no tv, no computer, no nothing for starting with 10 minutes a day and gradually working our way up to an hour. I need to spend more time just listening to God and not just pouring out my heart which is what I've done for a while now... I think it's time I hear God too... So I'm excited... I realize since I'm taking this step Satan is going to want to make things get in the way of this time. But hopefully I'll be aware of that.

So all in all my birthday was a time of healing relationships. Which I am very glad about. My best friend Andie and I finally talked about our feelings of neglect from each other. I felt she didn't find me important anymore now that she had new friends and she felt that I didn't want her to be involved in my life. So we've decided to start fresh and work at the friendship again. My other best friend Rachel and I have gradually gotten our friendship back up to par. We never really stated the problem but instead of waiting for the other to make the move, we both started trying to contact each other and work and getting together. Which sadly I talk to her a lot but never actually just hang out with her. But we do a lot together in our ministry with the youth and church so I guess that is why we don't make special time... So that's two out of three that have been worked out... My 3rd best friend has been the hardest for me. But he and I finally got to work things out and had an awesome talk about what it is that we have been doing wrong in our friendship. We are going to try to work at our friendship as well as keep each other accountable with our walk with God. :) I'm excited and thankful for the healing that has gone on. I feel good about where I'm headed. I just will have to keep my focus on God or I will drift away again.

Thank You God for the birthday you have given me and this last year which has been a pretty rough one. But I know that I have grown and definitely have a ways to grow in this coming year. But I know you are here with me and I thank you. I have asked for you to forgive the sin in my life and know that you will keep guiding me if I am seeking your will and not my own. Help me Lord keep on the path that I feel you want me to be on. Amen.

Well I must work... Bye.

9.3.01

So it's a new month with new blabs... I will be turning 24 tomorrow morning around 10 am officially. And ironically I don't feel like I'm even having a birthday. I feel different about it. But I've had some fun and good times to remember for sure. First and foremost... Don't go to Vegas and stay up till 5 and wake up at 9 and spend the whole day walking in 100+ degree heat!!!! You get cranky and end up not having fun. My entire Vegas trip was actually a good experience in all. But there were moments when I wondered what the heck I was doing. I got there at 10 pm Friday night (my brother booked rooms in New York New York!!! And once we got there we had $100 upgrades! I think the check-in attendent liked Brian or something :) hehehe) and ended up staying up until 5 am. That was a blast. I enjoyed checking out the lights and will definitely have some awesome memories of my trip. Now waking up at 9 am wasn't totally bad. I did ok up until 2 pm and then started to lose it. I think I was dehydrated and water in Vegas is EXPENSIVE! So I didn't have much to drink and we were walking around in the heat ... oh and did I mention crowds? Horrible for sure! I hate crowds to begin with... And then in heat too. But we ended up walking from New York New York all the way down to Caesars palace... Not to mention walking through the shops in each hotel. So on the walk back to NYNY I was sooo anxious to get there! But all in all a very memorable experience. I just wished I would have taken more time to enjoy it rather then rush through it ya know?

So anyways, I'm back and my life has been pretty hectic since. Emotional issues. And sometimes I just wish I could be a more tolerant person. Or have more strength to control my emotions ya know? It just sucks when you're fighting inside on top of fighting outside of yourself. But today I had to re-ask God for strength and guidance on what to do on a daily basis, or what to do on a moment by moment basis as well. And I feel better about it but whereas I had taken a few steps forward I made a couple strides backwards as far as moving in the right direction. So I'm asking God to help me. Though right now for some reason I have no strength to fight. If that makes any sense. If I notice a problem I just do my best to keep everyone happy with sort of a self pity attitude. I guess because of my birthday. I just don't want to have to deal with any conflicts.

1 hour later and I feel even worse about my emotional issues. Why is it so hard? Why do things have to be so confusing? Why can't God explain why things are the way they are? Is it because I'm not listening? Is it because I'm not willing or able to hear and listen? Probably that. But why? Why does it have to be so hard? I'm sitting here crying and trying to figure out what steps to take to make sure I'm doing what's right. With this kind of pain I don't want to be making a mistake. God tomorrow's my birthday and I feel like crap emotionally! :-( Why? Why can't things be easier? Why??? Please Lord, lead me in the right direction. Please help me not make any mistakes that hurt other people above myself. Dealing with this emotional crap is hard enough when you're only hurting yourself. But when it's others it really makes it 10X worse! Please Lord! Guide me! Help me! Give me understanding of what the heck I'm even dealing with or even going through. I need you Lord. Amen....

Well I'm thouroughly exausted, emotionally most of all! So I must go to sleep and hope and pray that I will feel the comfort from the Lord that I'm doing the right things and making the right choices, and that I will wake up to a new understanding of what the heck I'm dealing with right now.

Bye