My Observations

* Disclaimer *

These are my thoughts; though they may be public domain, please have enough respect and understand that they are mine and are not for the use of your own deviant agenda.

Sunday, March 30, 2003

Well today has been interesting. It almost seems like today has been a day for reflection. My relationship with God isn't exactly where it needs to be. And with some of the dreams/nightmares that I've been having I'm realizing why some of the insecurities are rising up.

Today on my way down the hill I all the sudden started to think about falling in love again. And how it will happen... someday... and it will be wonderful. The thought was so impacting that my eyes started welling up with tears. I guess deep down inside it almost felt like I would never find someone that could love me for me, with all my imperfections and stupid thought processes. It seems so strange that I ever felt love before. In reflecting on the dysfunctionality of my last relationship I ponder if love was ever there. I know on both sides there was love, as twisted as it was, there was love. But it's amazing, only 2 days until it's been 10 months and it feels like 3 months tops. I hate that I struggle with not contacting him. Why would I want to? I had a nightmare friday night about how it would turn out if I ever approached Jesse. I woke up crying about how he had beat my dad to a pulp. (mind you he was never a violent man towards me) But I sadly tried to go back to sleep and dream a good ending, but it kept getting more and more twisted.

So I'm sitting here listening to Ben Folds Live, who has an amazing unique way of expressing his thoughts through talented music. One statement that is just amazingly put is "Now I'm not talking about money. When money talks I hate to listen, but lately it's been screaming in my ear." That's just an amazing line along with the music it's just a great cd. :) The music invokes thought, not necessarily about what he's even singing about either.

Well I'm not sure how often these type of entries will appear. But there you go. A moment in time when I felt like expressing my emotions to anyone willing to read.

Tuesday, March 11, 2003

So my brother is in an African hospital and I have the greatest sense of urgency to be there with him!

My brother went to Africa on a Missions Trip. He has Crohn's disease which is the most serious type of colitis which is bad enough as it is. But on top of that sometime this afternoon, midnight their time, he was rushed into the hospital due to serious pains around his back that he couldn't move. They have assessed that he has kidney stones. Now this may sound like bad news, but to me this is the best news. This means that it's not life threatening, but just EXTREMELY painful. So I'm still feeling very sympathetic towards my brother. He's already gone through enough as it is, it's hard to see him go through this on top of everything else. But I know God has an outcome that I can't see yet. So I'm keeping my brother in my prayers.

Sunday, March 02, 2003

"Daddy's Dead." I couldn't imagine having to tell my 2 young children that their daddy wasn't coming home. A friend of mine from Junior High died last night in a motorcycle accident. I'm suddenly very aware of my mortality.