My Observations

* Disclaimer *

These are my thoughts; though they may be public domain, please have enough respect and understand that they are mine and are not for the use of your own deviant agenda.

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

Today's pressures are almost suffocating. As I sat there and prayed and asked the Lord to help me give the stress, hurt, and frustrations of my day to Him and keep my joy I realized that the pressures of today are momentary, and the joy of serving Him is eternal. Now if only I can keep this thought process throughout the day I will make it, one day at a time, I will make it.

Saturday, April 19, 2003

So it's the night before Easter. I should be spending my time thinking about how thankful and privileged I am that Jesus died on the cross and rose again! He has risen and has taken away all of my sins. Then why is it that I end this evening with the greatest sense of remorse and disappointment? I do believe I got my hopes up for something that was never going to or supposed to happen. When you put your hope in something and it lets you down, the downer is harder to take because you placed it so high. This sounds so clichť or superficial. It is; it is for my own sake. I am a fool. I was looking for tonight as an answer: a new beginning or something. And now I feel back to square one: alone, sad, and frustrated. I want to be where I know Iím supposed to be. I just wish I had something to hold onto that was real, tangible, and in front of me, so I can keep moving forward. But I know thatís not how God works. I need to have faith that it is going to happen and keep moving forward, plunging ahead to the goals set before me. There is someone out there for me, but he has not yet arrived. But in the meantime I will struggle to gain my focus on my Heavenly Father, who loves and cares for me more then any earthly man could. Why not change my pursuits to please Him instead of others that are not yet defined as worthy of my affection or interests? Simply stated. Itís a hard lesson to learn over and over again. Life is full of disappointments so you cling to what you can find or get that will give you that momentary happiness. But in the long run, perseverance will win. I will keep moving forward with nothing real or tangible in front of me, other then the Love of Jesus and the Faith that knowing He has an awesome plan for my life.

So I go now. Tired and drained. Hoping to be renewed and invigorated with the joy that comes from serving God and not myself or my own desires. From this moment on Iím choosing to pick up the cross daily and plunge forward with the Full Armor of God and take each and every day as a new assignment with anticipation of the challenges I will face.


Saturday, April 12, 2003

So I'm sitting here at work wishing I could just go home. Have you ever had a hard morning and just wanted to start over or for the day to be over already? I think I just want to go somewhere and relax and not have to think. I spent my morning stressed out that a co-worker was not showing up for work and I don't have a key or code to get in until my first 3 months is up (at the end of this month). I spent an hour trying to locate anyone who could open the doors. Finally after walking my very computer illiterate mother through my computer for a link to supervisors contact information I got a hold of someone. At 10:30 finally we were off of nights and locating information on how to get the messages off the phones from this morning. That didnít work. So Iím finally sitting here just not feeling too good right about now. Iím sore from working out at the gym pretty hard over the last couple days, and I for some reason got all shaky while I waited for my co-worker David to open the doors. So lying down and just vegging sound good right about now.

So it's been exactly a week after I saw my ex. Ironically enough weíve talked twice since then. Tuesday I was shocked to see his AIM name pop up on my screen asking if I wanted to accept or decline the message. Of course I accepted. Since then weíve both been able to really express our thoughts and feelings. Itís been pretty awesome actually. I felt good about just telling him that there were no hard feelings and how thankful I was that he didnít hate me. He felt the same; he never hated me and understands that walking away was the way it had to be. Then Thursday we actually spoke on the phone. It was really good to hear his voice and he really expressed his feelings. But we talked 3 hours total and once going to bed and waking up the next morning I realized I still have extremely strong feelings for him. It scared me enough to know that I cannot talk to him on a regular basis. We didnít make a good couple. We were great friends and until I can only look at him in that light I have to keep my distance. So the true question is, will I ever look at him in that light? I can see myself easily slipping back together with him. The cool part was when talking to him, he pointed out and I agreed that it felt like our friendship was just put on hold and nothing has changed, though in actuality everything has changed. Itís a weird concept. Well either way I just need to keep my distance for a while, or if I do keep in contact that there is some space between communications. Though I miss him and would like to keep talking. Itís just a rough call. And at this point itís on me when or whether I keep in contact.

Iím thankful that work is mellow today. I want to just take it easy, buy David lunch and help him realize it wasnít too big of a deal that he came to work late.

Saturday, April 05, 2003

So 10 months since I've talked to him and I see him on the 45 minute drive to work. And not only that, we were cordial to eachother. I waved and smiled and he waved and smiled back! It felt good. Like if I were to talk to him in person I'd be genuinely happy to hear how he's doing and wishing him the best of luck. I always thought he hated me still. Maybe he still does. But I'm glad this is over. I'm thankful I waved. When we drove our separate ways, it felt really good. I miss his friendship.