My Observations

* Disclaimer *

These are my thoughts; though they may be public domain, please have enough respect and understand that they are mine and are not for the use of your own deviant agenda.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I have just lost a love...

Its odd how God prepares you for these events in your life. I have steadily seen this coming. My heart has been being prepared for letting go. I'm sad. I'm emotional. I'm relieved. It's so weird that my head is so heavy from the crying but my heart is abnormally light.

I'm grateful for him. I'm also grateful for Him. I think the slow death is what hurts the most; the loss of hope; the uncertainty of my future. I canít help but ask myself the same questions everyone does after breaking upÖ Will I find love again? Do I have anything to offer someone? Is there is something wrong with me? I wish I could be the confident type... saying things like, it's his loss. In the end it's no ones loss. It wasn't meant to be. Or itís both of our loss. He will lose out, I will lose out. My mom didn't help when she said that was a good man to me. I do feel like I lost. I don't regret anything with "us".

My eyes hurt. My head feels like someone is squishing it together with their hands on my temples.

It's so heartbreaking that I knew tonight... I knew if he didn't, I would have. Maybe that's where the relief comes from. I feel pathetic for not making the decision myself, but I had told him I would give him time and he was grateful that I allowed him to work through his emotions to come to this conclusion. In our last discussion/argument I had asked him some poignant questions. These questions were where he came to his decision.

Strangely enough he does hope the friendship stays intact. Whatís even more amazing is I imagine that it could actually happen! I think because we have so much respect for each other that it could very well be possible. My concern is that I wonít be able to separate my love from romance to just friendship. Right now itís too soon to tell. I donít have to figure that part out yet.

Iím somber. I just want to close my eyes and sleep.

Currently listening:
I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
By Bright Eyes
Release date: By 25 January, 2005

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Below is a blog entry I posted on myspace on the 17th. It's now the 19th but I still felt the need to share it. There is mention of a post before about my job and I didn't copy that into this blog. I believe I will do this from now on: Post blog entries on both instead of one or the other.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Talk about an emotionally draining day! Why is it that change is something so scary? I was faced with a decision today that, to be truthfully honest, I wasn't prepared to make, so I didn't. I should have. I should have walked away. But the thought of walking away scared the hell out of me. Why? Am I so afraid that life will be that much more difficult with a pretty dramatic change?

I am not a happy person right now. I'm just living life. I would prefer not to have to make any definitive plans for my future. In the end, that is the thing making me not happy, isn't it? I'm not happy because I'm not moving forward. Iím not taking control of my life and living it to its fullest. Iím letting life control my movements. ďIf this happens then I will do that, if that happens then I will do thisÖĒ Why not just do what I want now? If everything falls into place then Iím better off. If not, then it obviously wasnít supposed to work out that way and Iím better off. Who knows if Iíll ever be able to make the decisionÖ I will trust that God will work through me even so. He will work it out in the end. And most likely I will get so unhappy and unsettled in my current situation that I will WANT to make that decision Iím so scared to make right now.

Ironically reading back you would think since my last post, this had to do with my job. It doesnít. Itís on a more personal level. And I just needed to get it out there. I might be surprised in what can happen in the future. God could work everything out so smoothly that there is no heartache. I somehow donít believe that, because heartache is what builds character and helps us realize how much we need God and canít do it on our own.

Anyways, I just wanted to get this off my chest. Goodnight

Currently listening:
Ben Folds Live
By Ben Folds
Release date: By 08 October, 2002

Monday, January 16, 2006

So it hasn't even been a month since Sam left and I've definitely started to feel the effects of his absence. Especially since this weekend he has been working insane hours and calls when he can spare 5 minutes here and there. Hopefully things will mellow out since the main part of the project they were working on is finally over.

I have been really sad today. I can't seem to shake it. I took a walk after lunch and the desperation in my heart lifted a little. I'm not sure what exactly I am struggling to let go. There are a lot of things going on in my life, but I hadnít thought they have been that overwhelming. I guess after some time it becomes too much for me to keep contained.

I am driving up to Sacramento at the end of this month (1/27/06 Ė 1/29/06) for my friends wedding. She lives in Alaska so imagine my surprise when she told me she was getting married only a few hours away! I wouldnít miss it for the world! I havenít seen her since I was about 20! (Quite a few years) So that should be an adventure. My sister Heidi will be going with me. Iím really looking forward to it.

Talking about how long itís been since I was 20, it turns out in June of this year it will be 10 years since I graduated high school! I only had 3 other classmates that year. So weíve all talked about getting together. Iím not exactly sure what we would do. Maybe a dinner, bring out the old photos and meet the significant others (though weíve all met already). Rachel and I are still best friends. Weíve been best friends since I was 14. Sure there have been times where weíve drifted apart but in the end come back to being the best of friends. Andie and I had lost touch and talk every so often. I recently called her for a PartyLite party I was having and we ended up having some time to hang out and go to dinner for the first time in a while! I see Shawn every so often when I would go to the home school graduations for family and mutual friends. His mom was the principle of the home school group. I should scan our graduation pictures. I guess thatís something we should doÖ Get pictures 10 years later and compare! That could be scary and entertaining all at the same time.

Well in the time itís taken me to compose this post my gloominess has been lifted. It has been some time as I only write while waiting for the customer to answer my call, or waiting for the sales reps to bring me the contracts they need me to add rates for. But Iím still grateful that my mood has lifted. I hate it when I canít seem to shake it off. Walking always helps. Iím glad Sam suggested it. Gets the blood pumping and itís such a beautiful day today I enjoyed the fresh air. I guess I should finish up work. Tonight Iím going to a candle party, one of the many bookings off of my show that I am now indebted to go to.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I'm too far from where I was and even further from where I want to be