* Disclaimer *
These are my thoughts; though they may be public domain, please have enough respect and understand that they are mine and are not for the use of your own deviant agenda.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
So again Iím sitting in my room, just got back from the grocery store to get all the basics since I had NOTHING. Iím watching/listening to Depeche Modeís Devotional DVD. I gotta admit David Gahan is just too hot in this DVD! He exudes sex appeal. Anyways, thatís not why Iím watching itÖ I swear. ;) I am just in the mood for good music.
This weekend is going to be hectic. My cousins are in Vegas right now. They wanted me to come up with my sister and brother yesterday but I had to work. So Iím a stick in the mud. Tomorrow they are heading down here and were planning on staying with me at my new place. But I canít get off work any earlier and I have a doctorís appointment in Irvine at 7pmÖ. Sucky. So sadly weíll have to meet up after that time. But Friday I did make sure to get the day off and weíre going down to Universal Studios! Itís been a while. It should be fun.
Saturday my cousins will be leaving around the same time I am at a graduation for one of my youth kids, Jerret Knight. He has requested that I pray for him at the graduation! Talk about an honor! Iíve been praying for God to show me something specifically for Jerret. Heís such an awesome kid and I pretty much call him my little brother. Come to think of it I prayed for his big brother too. I consider both of them my little brothers! Hey I have a picture of them and me at the Motherís Day Picnic. Here it is.
So Sunday I was invited to a BBQ. I will most likely go. But there it isÖ Monday will be here before I know it!
Today I was told Iíve officially received the title ďBilling ManagerĒ for linkLINE Communications, which is a big step in the right direction! I have always been called the ďActing Billing ManagerĒ and I never quite understood why. My new supervisor requested a list of my duties. This is another big step in the right direction. My last supervisor didnít talk to me for over a month and a half and finally someone had mentioned that the organizational chart might have changed. So I went to the new CEO and asked him if he knew who my supervisor was. Turns out Ö He is! This explains a lot! And then leaves me with tons of questions. Why, when I would call to inform my old supervisor that I would be late, did he not tell me then that I should just inform my new supervisor? Or why, when I wrote emails giving updates (which he never acknowledged) or requesting time off, did he not say that he was no longer my supervisor and that maybe I should go talk to my new supervisor? I had gotten so used to not getting any feedback to my questions that I just ended up phrasing things like, Iím going to be doing this, if this is a problem please let me know and then just go forward with my plans. Either way, this was not meant to be a bitch session. It was meant to say that Iím so much happier with my new supervisor.
My landlady is going to be painting my bathroom this Friday while Iím at Universal Studios. So I have to make sure everything is out by then. I canít wait. The bathroom is an ugly peach with pink spots where they didnít match the paint very well. And sheís painting it basic white. I am still shopping for a coffee table, a sofa table and an end table. At this point I donít have a lot of room with my couches for two end tables. And the way Brian and I want to set up the living room I definitely need a sofa table to bring it all together.
Well itís passed my bedtime. I should really get to sleep. Goodnight
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Here I am... In my room watching "Pirates of the Caribbean" and blogging like nothing is different and yet everything is! A new chapter in my life has begun. I have spent the evening figuring out how I wanted to arrange the furniture in my living room. Yup that's right, *my* living room. As of tonight, I no longer live with my parents. I feel like I've suddenly joined the ranks of adulthood. Not sure why itís so significant, but it is, and I'm feeling all sorts of emotions. But mostly excitement for what my future holds.
I'm tired though. So as short as this post is, this is it for now...
Friday, May 26, 2006
Weigh In - 5/26/06
So I've lost another 2 pounds and 4 1/2 inches (Total lost: 22 pounds and 25 1/2 inches). It's a slow process but I'm thankful that it keeps going in the right direction.
Jesse's death took a lot out of me. And sadly life is moving forward whether I'm ready for it to or not and now I'm forced to play catch-up. I've avoided blogging because I've been at a loss of how to express my feelings. And even now I'm feeling the desire to turn my mourning inward and upward. Someday soon I will post all the pictures I ever took of Jesse (there are A LOT and I'm grateful for that!).
Friday, May 19, 2006
I am loved! And blessed to have such wonderful friends! Thank you so much Nancy and Carlos! You brought beauty and love in the midst of a very hard week! You will never know how much it meant to me! Every time I look at them I smile.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Man, its been an emotional week for me. I haven't been sleeping very well. I stay up way too late; either because I've been busy or I'm checking for any updated pictures or stories of Jesse, or looking back through all the pictures I have of our time together. And when I am lying in bed it seems that my mind always goes back to Jesse. I have cried myself to sleep almost every night since finding out he passed away.
The other night I guess I was in the masochistic mood and went through the box of stuff he gave me. I have the concert tickets of Sevendust and Korn that he took me to. I have a bunch of Solid Mind recordings. I even went through the "letters". I am a person that keeps every little piece of paper and Jesse would come to my office and when I wasn't looking flip through my sticky pad and leave love notes and one random day I would get to the one he left for me. There was one particular letter that he gave me on Valentines Day 2001 and I couldn't even get through it because my eyes were too filled with tears. I have a couple of his drawings. If I ever got a tattoo, it would be one of his drawings for me! He was going to help draw up my sisters tattoo, if he had that would have been something to cherish!
Looking back at the pictures of Jess and me, I'm struck by how young I was when I was with Jesse. He has been apart of my life for about the last 8 years, almost half of that time we were in a relationship. There was a 10 month period where we didn't talk because of the painful breakup. But in 2003 I remember seeing him on the freeway heading down to work after the 10 month mark of not seeing or talking to him and I remember he looked over and waved at me. Shortly after that we actually were able to talk through all of the hurts of the breakup. But with as much of my heart that I had given to him, he and I both knew I wasnt quite ready to stay in close contact with him, (as most people know it's easy to just let your heart slip right back into his hands) but I still am so appreciative for that time of being able to open up and heal the wounds. And since then I would always get a call whether he was in the hospital or just hanging out at home. I still remember when he called to tell me he was diagnosed with Primary Pulmonary Hypertension. I was in shock and didn't quite understand how serious it was.
The most common memories of Jesse other then his goofy voices and faces were when he would be in my car and I'd be stopped and he'd slip my car into neutral without my notice. Or he'd take the cover to my overhead light off and hide it in random spots and wait for me to figure out it was missing, this could take days! Haha I have the first picture he ever sent me of himself when we met online. A mutual friend had been chatting with him and the night before we had both been to the same battle of the bands. So she gave me his ICQ number and we started chatting. The first time I ever saw him I was at my office and his band Solid Mind was going to be playing at my church and he was going to pick up the flyers of the show. We had decided at that point to hang out and I had to go to Costco and he decided to go with me. And as I've said before, I never enjoyed a trip to Costco so much in my life! I was laughing the entire time. I remember the day we both admitted to having feelings for each other. I had tried to hook him up with my friend and realized I was jealous. It was Superbowl Sunday and I was driving him home. My window had been smashed out and I was pretty upset but he was really there for me. I told him that I was happy that he and my friend seemed to be hitting it off and I just asked him not to forget me. At that point he admitted he didn't want my friend but wanted me but figured since I was hooking him up with my friend I didnt want him! He teased me mercilessly for that all throughout our relationship. I deserved it! What was I thinking!? I am so blessed to have been a special part of Jesse's life. I am blessed that I was allowed into the deepest part of his soul. I love that man! And will continue to love him through eternity!
I am just so thankful to everyone that has taken the time to tell me either how much Jesse loved me, or how highly he talked about me. I appreciate the moments I've been able to share with his family this week. I have so many wonderful memories of Jesse. I look forward to seeing him again!
I will leave you with the many faces of Jesse... Enjoy!
(Imagine Jesse giving a goat sound for the image below! HA!)
I love you Jesse! Thanks for the smiles! :)
Sunday, May 14, 2006
It's so hard to believe that Jesse is really gone. My first love, my first serious relationship, my first in a lot of things... is gone. I can still remember when we first met, or the first time we hung out, I never enjoyed a trip to Costco so much in my life nor laughed so much in my life. He was so intimidating with his tattoos and bald head and rough look, but deep down he was a big teddy bear. I won't ever look again at a call to see that Jesseís name is flashing on my cell phone. I won't ever hear his Cartman impersonation again. I wonít hear all of his strange goofy voices again. Jesse is gone.
He is in heaven! He is no longer in pain. He is whole! Yet the sadness I feel is so overwhelming at times that I just cry. I should be happy for him. I feel so selfish. And itís hard to grasp that someone so full of life is now gone. He was still so young. I am grateful that things between us were good. We were cordial and friendly even when our relationship ended on such a negative tone. It's hard to grasp that I will never see him again. I don't know how many times I will see a bald head and for a split second think its Jesse.
I wish with all my heart that I had more time to spend with him. It's been an emotional day and a half. I have shed many tears. I cried myself to sleep last night. Sometimes just thinking about a particular memory and realizing we had some really awesome times just makes me cry. He always made me laugh so hard. I never imagined that I wouldnít have the opportunity to talk to him again. I feel like I let him down by not being closer to him, like I should have called him instead of always just letting him call me. But then I am grateful that he would call me. That he thought enough of me to give me a call or to wish me a Happy Easter which I am so saddened to say was one of the last times I heard his voice.
I have looked through the pictures throughout our relationship. I havenít looked through his cards and love letters; I think it would be too emotional. I have Orenthal Wantsomemore the Orangutan stuffed animal he brought back for me from one of his trips. I am really glad I kept them. I will always have them as a reminder that I was a big part of his life for a time and he was a HUGE part of mine. He was my Ďeverythingí for over 4 years.
Jesse, I will miss you. And the part of my heart that I gave to you during our relationship is still yours. I never realized how much so until your death.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Rest In Peace Jesse Rivera 1970 - 2006
Jesse, you will be missed! I am so thankful that you are no longer in pain and that you are with our heavenly Father. I will look back fondly at all the fun times we shared.
From Jesse's brother Rob Rivera
To all of Jesse's friends: Anyone who knew my brother, knew that he was battling a rare disease that affects the heart and lungs called Primary Pulmonary Hypertension. I am posting this blog to make you all aware that today 05/13/06 my brother lost his fight with this disease. He fought bravely and it was the strength of his heart that kept him going for so long, but I don't have to tell you all how big his heart was. Any of his friends wishing to attend his memorial service please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or on my myspace site (I am the first friend on Jesse's list) and leave me a number that you can be reached.
My Brother was my best friend and my family and I are at a great loss without him. You always think you have more time with your loved ones so please don't take it for granted. In an attempt to keep his memory alive I want to request that his friends post any stories about Jesse on his myspace site that will help my family and I try to find comfort from the words of those he touched.
I would also like to request everyone to raise a glass of what ever your drinking and toast to my brother. Although my brother didn't drink after he was diagnosed with his illness he did love to tilt a Corona when he was younger.
Cheers! Rest in Piece Jesse my brother I love you!
now at least Dimebag has a drummer to jam with.
With love and mad respect
Weigh In - 5/13/06
So I've really done it! Yay me! I've hit my first big milestone! I've lost another 3 pounds for a total of 20 pounds! Woohoo! I feel great! I'm sooo happy! I have thought about my last weigh in and calling it a diet, it's really not a diet as much as it's a way of life.
And speaking of life, life is rapidly changing for me! It's official. I will be living with my brother by next month. I'm really excited, nervous and scared all at the same time. There is so much involved in living out on my own. And my mom truly spoiled me living with her all these years. I just consider this training for when I'm married. I will have to keep the house clean, do the dishes, laundry and still have a life. :) I am excited to finally get out all my decorating stuff. I bought a ton throughout the years that have been shoved away in a box since I couldn't decorate more then 1 room. Now I'll have several! Our concern now is furniture; itís the biggest most necessary and expensive thing we need. Today I'm going with my mom to check out some used couches. They were only a few months old, and my mom went to look at them yesterday and said they were in good shape and worth the asking price.
We're also driving by my parentís new place. I have never seen it but I hear it's huge! My sister is almost embarrassed at how large her bedroom is! I can't wait to see it. I'm sure it's beautiful. It's a new house. My sister did actually sell their current house, it's in escrow now and she was given $25,000 up front. So I'm really happy for her. Things are moving on more quickly then I would have ever expected. I guess Jeff is moving in with his fiancť this weekend. And this week they have to go through and divide their stuff at the current house. I'm nervous for Heidi just because I always here this part of divorce can be the most painful. Luckily they are going to have a mediator there that both of them trust. Jeff is a sick man. I feel really bad for him. He owes my sister alimony and child support and won't pay it. And he got his portion of the money for the house too so it's not like he doesn't have it. Oh well. Heidi's lawyer is going to put him under contempt of court since he's not complying.
My parents are moving out two weekends from now. Iím not sure when Brian is moving in. He is coming up this weekend for Motherís Day so I am going to try to sit him down to work out some decisions. I think it will be good. Brian and I have always had a good relationship. We have also had our fair share of arguments, but what brother/sister hasnít? But I do know that when we both lived at home we had a great friendship and would hang out and go to the movies and to dinner. I am hoping weíll get that time again. I know he thinks this is a good move for him. The only regret, and itís a big one, is that heís moving back to the desert!
Well itís almost 10 and I need to go get ready for the dayÖ Yes, Iím being lazy! Weíre heading out soon to go check out the new place and possibly my new couches. hehe
Friday, May 05, 2006
Weigh in - 5/5/06
I lost another 2 pounds, now a total of 17 pounds. I measured and surprisingly enough I have only lost an additional 4 inches, 1 and 1/2 of that in my butt alone! ;) haha For a total of 21 inches since I've started this diet. I really am rather surprised that I haven't lost more inches. But hey... the weight is coming off so I can't complain. For the last couple of weeks the weight loss has been pretty slow. But I am glad to have lost two pounds!
So it's Cinco De Mayo! And it's Friday! Life is just too busy for me right now. I haven't had much time to relax. I am going to the Renaissance Faire for the very first time. Amazingly it looks like I will be in full costume! I am going to take pictures. If I'm not too embarrassed I might post them. ;) hehe I am going with a friend of mine who goes every year multiple times. She has the full on outfit and I will be using some of her and her friendís spare pieces.
Well Iím at work so I need to get going. I just wanted to give a quick update. If any of you guysí have ever been to the Renaissance Faire, feel free to give me some advice!
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Life is good! God is good! I just read my friend Jame's (Mopmonster) livejournal and he's doing really well. It made me reflect on all that has happened in my life so far this year. I cannot say as much as he has. :) But I could relate to a lot of what he was feeling/sharing.
I am working towards getting over my ex. He and I are still good friends. We still care deeply for each other. And it looks like he will soon be in the dating scene again. I personally do not feel ready but that in itself feels good. I have had my fair share of time being single and I am the kind of person that enjoys the single life (not all the time but I'm ok being alone). I miss having someone to share my life with. And since Sam and I were so much more in love then any other relationship I have ever been in, it is hard to let it go.
I may be moving in with my brother Brian. That will be a dramatic change since I've lived with my parents since I was born. hehe The ironic thing is, we are thinking about taking over the rent to my parents place because they need a bigger place for them, my sister and her two kids. So really I won't be moving except for maybe to another room. I think it should be pretty interesting. I am looking forward to seeing how it will all work out. To be honest, I have always felt a hint of shame that I still live with my parents. I mean how could I complain? I got the master bedroom, only paid a couple hundred a month to stay there, and my mom did my laundry! So that always outweighed the shame. But being that I'm 28, not married, never lived outside of my parents house (and also couldn't afford to either) I just felt like I hadn't quite grown up yet. I have been a late bloomer in every aspect of my life; looks, love (I had my first kiss when I was 20! And even then it wasn't love) and well getting out on my own. But I could tell I'm ready because every time I'd go shopping I'd have all these dreams of having my own place to decorate, and living out on my own. I mean, living with my brother won't be exactly what I consider on my own. But it will be different. The question now is will I be able to afford it.
So that said, I am looking for a new job. I have been afraid to share it as I am not making it public knowledge to my current employer for obvious reasons. There are plenty of reasons why I want another job. But the main reason, I'm sick and tired of the commute and with gas prices the way they are I am needing a raise to be able to continue working here! I would love to get a local job. I have been daydreaming of all that I can accomplish with the extra 10 hours a week that is not devoted to the road!
If that takes place I have a lot of plans. I am anxious to get back to school and get my BA. But working a 40 hrs + work week, and commuting I have found it difficult to figure out where I can fit school in, let alone what school I can commute to. I thought about finding a job close to Cal State San Bernardino so I can take night classes after work. But I have decided I would like to take the Business Administration program through Azusa Pacific at VVC. And again the concern I have is, can I afford it?
Another plan I have is buying a new car and since I have fallen in love with the new honda civic I am going to attempt to save money to get one. We will soon see if that will work out. At this point I won't be buying a new car unless I get another job that pays what I make here. The reason I will get a car then is because the long standing I have with my current job should help with my credit. I wouldn't want to wait till I have the new job to get the car.
This last weekend was insanely busy! I had a lot of fun though! But it will take more time to discuss that and I think this is good for now.