My Observations

* Disclaimer *

These are my thoughts; though they may be public domain, please have enough respect and understand that they are mine and are not for the use of your own deviant agenda.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Things are going well. I have taken two written tests, two typing tests and have two interviews next week! The two written tests were for Victor Elementary and I passed both of them. I took one typing test for Victor Elementary at Victor Valley Community College and ended up getting an impressive typing speed (72 WPM with 1 error on a 5 min. typing test) and a certificate that I will be able to use for other jobs I apply for. So I was really excited about that. The other typing test was for Kaiser, unlike the VVC test, was much harder, you only had one shot and at the time I didn't think you could backspace, so I ended up with a 57 WPM with 0 errors on a 5 min. typing test. I found out after the fact that you could backspace if you were still in the word so I think I could have gotten a faster speed. I have interviews for the two positions I tested for Victor Elementary. I really only would take one of the jobs but I figure what's the harm of interviewing. It's practice. So all-in-all I think last weeks job applications were a success.

This week however I haven't been as successful in applying for new jobs. Today I just found the last application to make my week's goal of 5 applications. Sasha told me about 4 on that she thought I should apply for. Even if they are a commute the money is good and they are good places to work for. One in particular has peaked my interest. It's an office job but they desire experience in web design. I hope my experience will give me a bit of an edge. So I will complete the applications for those today or tomorrow. I got confirmation from Wesley that he would be glad to write me a Letter of Recommendation so I would like to have that before I send in those applications. I have two Apple Valley School District positions I need to fax in today but neither pay anything worthwhile. But I got desperate to reach my goal, and again this is good practice.

Emotionally this week I've been more upbeat. Though I owe that to a day when I just broke down. I wasn't necessarily struggling with the lack of a job, but it was more of an inner turmoil that I hadn't quite figured out yet. But I was unusually clingy to someone I care about. Turns out I was dealing with a lack of being desired. This statement summed up my struggles; I wanted him to want me because that would mean at least someone did. This conclusion hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been revisiting the struggle of the loss of a great relationship and then the loss of a job and having tried looking prior to being laid off and not being even remotely sought after made an even deeper subconscious impact that I was undesirable. My love no longer wanted me, my job no longer wanted me, and the places I went looking for work didn't want me, so then what was wrong with me? I hadn't realized how much I defined myself by my job, or by being desired. And now that I had neither I had been fighting some major insecurities.

So as I struggled to let this new found revelation about myself all sink in, I decided to read through some old journal entries. This was a painful trek down memory lane as I was shown the haunting cycles of my past repeating themselves. It was a rather bleak view. I started crying as I felt that after 6 years I hadn't changed much for the better. Then slowly in the midst of the desperate feeling I started to get a glimmer of hope after I talked to two close friends about my introspective reflections. It's always hard being best friends after a breakup because what do you do with your best friends? Talk about the pain of the breakup. Either way, I explained my fear of being undesirable as well as the lack of positive changes to my ex boyfriend / best friend and he brought up some positive points about where I'm at in comparison to where I was 6 years ago and I didn't feel so hopeless. And then my friend Brandie called. I totally wasn't going to talk to her about what I was feeling but then as true friends do, they just know when you are trying to hide something and she subtly got me to open up about my struggles. She was such a blessing. She knew something was wrong and asked if she could pray for me. We didn't even get to the prayer before I was telling her everything. She did end up praying for me and its amazing how positive people can be so uplifting you when you are feeling low.

In everything I faced that day I can look back and see that it was time to let things go that I hadn't realized I was holding onto. Isn't that how God works? He works with you where you're at and doesn't show you more then you can handle. Because if I was faced with everything I had to change all at once, I would be in the "depths of despair" (said in the desperate tone that Anne used in Anne of Green Gables). So yeah, I may say I have to "let things go that I hadnt realized I was holding onto" innumerable amount of times in my future posts because that's just it, we can only take one step at a time. I think my problem was I felt I was taking the same step over and over again but in my evaluation of my progress, one thing is for certain, change sometimes happens subtly.

So enough reflection for one post lets move on. I have actually stuck to a schedule and started a few of the projects I couldn't get started last week. I even went out and bought supplies to make the job easier and more organized. It's amazing how quickly your time gets eaten up when you aren't working!

Tonight I'm going to a baby shower. Tomorrow I'm going to try and get the remaining applications sent in, pick up the last minute party supplies and then my friend Ludek is coming over and I will get to check out his Nikon D70 that I've been anxious to get my hands on. I keep wondering why I ever hesitated on buying my camera (well other then the fact that I wanted to get a feel for both the Nikon and the Canon before making the purchase). I mean financially I probably should wait till I get a stable job. But Photography is so much apart of my life (and as my friend Rachel constantly points out to me that) it would be a great investment and I wonder about just going out there and buying it. But I can't do anything about the camera right now. So I will just envy Ludek's Nikon when he comes over and Brandie's Canon if she ever brings it over. ;) (I think she's afraid she won't get it back!) hehe

Well this has been quite the novel, so I think I will say goodbye.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

So itís been over a week since I was laid off and I am hanging in there. The weekend I was laid off was hard. I kept hearing stories and wanted to set the record straight.

I will say this for the record, I was pulled into the office and specifically told I had done NOTHING wrong and that the company was in financial hardships and had to downsize and they had to let me go. And I also received a decent severance package to soften the blow.

My first week without a job was quite the emotional rollercoaster. I was thrilled to be let go of a company that I wanted out of and getting paid to leave was a nice bonus! And with everything that Iíve heard since I left I am really glad I no longer work for a company that is filled with such ethical issues. I kept hearing different things than what I was told. So even if I was the one lied to, would I want to work for someone that lies to my face? Or do I want to work for someone that tells me the truth as they let me go but puts on a front for everyone that is staying behind? And ironically I was told 2 others aside from the original 3 were getting laid off as well. I was given names! Which seems a bit unprofessional, donít you think? But not only that, my friend David who went in literally moments after me was told the number was 7! He was not given any names. And wouldnít you know it; just the three of us were laid offÖ My dad, who still works for the company has told me that the CEO said he missed me. So I took that as an opportunity to ask for a Letter of Recommendation. Iíll be curious if that will happen.

SoÖ all week I couldnít focus on much. I applied for 5 jobs and did testing for one and passed and now need to get them a typing certificate and was told the community college offers it. Thatís where Iím headed after testing for another position tomorrow morning.

But after I did that (applied for those 5 jobs) I still had plenty of hours in the day to mope around. In fact thatís just what I did. I didnít feel like calling people, replying to emails, blogging, or anything that required thought. I couldnít get to any of my projects because when I sat down to do them I found my mind wandering. Then I would beat myself up for not doing more. I was so afraid of getting used to being lazy. I didnít want to fall into a rut.

It wasnít until Thursday when I went down the hill with my mom that I was able to talk through all the emotions and get to the bottom of it all. I avoided anything that had to do with facing emotions. Talking, writing or anything of the sort made me face the reality that I no longer had a job and I didnít know what I was going to do. I couldnít even focus on my morning devotionals (praying, reading and journaling). I was running from reality. I was running from God because I knew He would make me face my reality head-on! Just admitting that to myself and to my mom changed my attitude. I was completely relieved. It was exactly a week from the day I was laid off. And I felt like I could finally breathe.

Later Thursday evening I got my paperwork back from Unemployment and was told that I was going to receive 450/wk! Which my initial estimate was 300/wk! So thatís quite a bit more then I was expecting! And it starts right away even though Iím getting a severance package! Iím very thankful for that.

So now Iím back on track. Iíve been arranging a ďTo DoÖĒ list that helped me organize myself at my last job and I have more tweaking but it feels good to keep the pattern going. I have been totally slacking on my diet as well, so back to the grind with that tomorrow. And I am ok giving myself some time to breathe as far as feeling like Iím slipping into a rut. I know this whole thing takes time. The one thing that I canít falter on is my devotions. I need to make it more personal. I need to be on my knees seeking Godís face. I want to build my relationship again. I want to honestly yearn for Him. Todayís sermon was more confirmation of that!

I am still very excited about what the future holds. And now that I have my finances covered thatís one less concern. I know that if I keep up with the goal of applying for 5 jobs a week I will be doing pretty well for myself.

And itís my bedtime. I have a long day tomorrow, probably the only day this next week that is full. I am also planning a surprise party for my mom. So that will keep me busy this week as well. Itís a good thing she doesnít do the computer thing! But sheís turning 60! I hope this blesses her. Weíre focusing on the fact that 60 is the ďage of understandingĒ and thatís our theme. We want this to give her honor for who sheís become. I hope it turns out.

Oh and I think I broke my two little toes! I was lifting my leg to step over a fan and slammed them on a t.v. stand! It hurt like crazy and they are bruised up pretty bad. I canít wear shoes without them hurting and I canít bend my toes. It sucks!

Anyways, goodnight and Iíll try to update more often now that Iíve gotten out of my funk.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Well I've just been laid off from my job at linkLINE Communications. I was called into the office this morning and let go. I have gone through a series of emotions. Right now I am ok. A few moments ago my eyes were filled with tearsÖ Not crying but glossy. Itís scary and yet exciting! Odd, I know.

I feel this was a God thing. He knew I wanted out and He also knew I wouldnít do it on my own. I keep thinking of the benefits of the timing! I had a few jobs at the school district I wanted to turn in an application for and was trying to figure out how to tell my supervisor I was going to be late.

I hate that Iím not sure where my money is going to be coming from. I got a severance package; so I have a little money coming in for the next few weeks, but not a lot. I applied for unemployment. But I also know that God is in control. I am scared, and am trying to have faith. I know that I need to praise Him even in the midst of this trial. I heard a song on the radio as I was pulling into my housing complex that caused tears to stream down my face. I am going to share it now. I wanted to add it to my profile as a reminder but alas, they donít have it on their myspace website. But here are the words that convey everything that I am feeling.

Casting Crowns - Praise You In This Storm
From the album Lifesong

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say ďAmenĒ, and itís still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
ďIím with youĒ
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Iíll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear Iíve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I canít find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
ďIím with youĒ
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away


I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of Heaven and Earth


Label: Reunion Records

I was laid off along with my friend David Berry, and my old supervisor (the one I couldnít stand! IronyÖ). Apparently there are two more but I am not positive about who they are. David has been a great support in all this. Heís relieved. He disliked his job too but he has a family and wouldnít leave on his own either. We both were told this morning and decided to go out to IHOP for breakfast and talk about what weíre going to do now. Weíve decided that weíre going to celebrate our layoffs by going to see the matinee of Pirates of the Caribbean tomorrow! Hehe Seriously, he was all smiles. The waitress at IHOP said to us, ďYou sure you just got laid off? You two donít look like you just got laid off!Ē And honestly we could laugh about it. I really know everything is going to be ok.

As soon as I sat down at my desk I text messaged Sam ďI just got laid offĒ and he called and everything out of his mouth after I confirmed he read it right was ďCONGRATULATIONS!Ē and ďGood for you!Ē with so much enthusiasm, at one point I had to say, ďI know youíre happy for me and all, but itís a bit muchÖ Could you tone it down just a bit? ;) Iím still coming to grips with the fact that I donít have a job.Ē And he really was just happy for me because he knows how much I hated the place and how wonderful it is that Iím out from under it. And really, in the long run, I have to agree with him that this really is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. But it doesnít change the fact that Iím still scared to death about what the future holds.

So there you have it. In one moment my entire life changed. I had NO CLUE! No indications, no rumors, no hunches, no feelings. Just BAMÖ I no longer have a job. Crazy! But hey! I am a child of God! He will take care of me.

If anyone knows of any job openings please let me know. I am hoping and will focus my job search locally. I really want to get away from the commute and would love to get back to school. Keep me in your prayers, especially that I will continue to give this over to God and trust in Him.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

So tonight was a blast! I sooo should be in bed but I guess I'm still pumped on adrenaline! It's been a while since I've laughed so hard and freely! It felt great! I went out with my best friends Rachel and Andie. I've known them both for 14 years! And every year for each of our birthdays the other two would buy dinner at Red Robin and we'd go see a movie. As we got older it happened less and less and now we're lucky to do it once a year. This particular occasion has been the first time in more then a year possibly even two!

Here we are at Red Robin

It was great though! It was such a release to be able to laugh so hard your wiping your tears from your eyes... Which I may post the picture that gave us the giggles while we waited for the movie to start! hehe But then again... maybe I won't. Andie asked if she'd be seeing it on myspace tomorrow and well I thought it would be funny to put it up tonight but it's late. I've posted a picture of myself and one of the three of us on my ďpicturesĒ. And as usual the rest will be done sometime .... um... lets say... next year.. ;) hahaha

Anyways, I have an early morning. I am taking pictures for my friends "Headley Grange" while they are recording in the studio. It should be fun but considering its WAY past my bedtime and I have to get up at 8am... Thank goodness itís my cheat day and I can get lots of starbucks! :)

Well goodnight!