My Observations

* Disclaimer *

These are my thoughts; though they may be public domain, please have enough respect and understand that they are mine and are not for the use of your own deviant agenda.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

I finally got around to uploading an album. I have a ton more pictures from July events forward to upload but here's the link.

A Chair's Photo Album

Oh and it looks like I'm not going to the Getty Museum today. My brother wants me to wait for him because he would go with me, but today he planned a bike ride.

Anyways I'm definitely enjoying a day off!

Friday, September 29, 2006

Weigh In - 9/29/06

It's been a month since I've weighed in. But I'm still really proud of this 1 pound! :) Actually I lost two pounds this week. I had gained a pound this month and to me that was a good thing for not paying too close attention to my diet.


Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Well I wrote this post at work, but I am now home so the following sentence is no longer valid. :)

I'm at work. It's odd working for a place that encourages browsing and utilizing the internet when the last company I worked for frowned on it. I am getting settled into my new job. So far it's going well. I still think the look on people's faces that come over from linkLINE and see me open the door is priceless. One guy dropped off a computer and an invoice and was so eager to tell everyone he saw me that he made me sign and date the invoice! hehehe Too funny.

Depeche Mode: So most of you know I'm a fanatic when it comes to Depeche Mode. Well Monday (the 25th) they had a screening of their "Live in Milan" dvd in selected theaters. I had asked Rachel to go with me a while ago but I had forgotten about it until I went to Bailey's birthday party and one of my sisters friends asked me about it. Apparently newly rekindled fanatics that they were, they missed out on the latest concert and wanted to go see the screening. So we made plans to go together. Rachel ended up being sick all day and couldn't make it. It ended up being my sister and I and her friends Erika, Sondee and Jessica. I wasn't sure what to expect. I had never been to anything like this. It was hard to stay seated. But once they got to "Just Can't Get Enough" a few of us (yes, even myself) got up and got into it. Shortly after that song ended and everyone was back in their seats the security came in!!! Until that moment I thought it was just a dead crowd, but then I realized that they actually expected us to watch it like it was a movie! What the heck!? hehehe It was still fun but definitely no comparison to the real thing! I did enjoy seeing David Gahan on the big screen in high definition though. ;)

North Carolina: I am going to North Carolina from October 7th - 16th! I seriously can NOT wait! I have missed my nieces and nephews so much! The last time I was there was in November of 2004 I think. (Here are some links to pictures from that trip. Family Pics, Landscape Pics and Outer Banks Pics.) And with a new camera and a beautiful state I really can't go wrong. :) Unfortunately I will not be paid for this time off so I have to make sure to schedule my finances to work around it. But to me its worth it!

Weight Loss: I had so much turmoil in my life over the last month I'm quite surprised I haven't gained a ton of weight back. This week I'm back on track and extremely motivated! My friend Rachel and I have decided to encourage each other to try to lose weight over the next few months. I lost my initial 20 pounds in about 3 months without putting too much effort into it. I hope to achieve the same. I would like to lose another 20 pounds by Christmas. And honestly I know I can do it. I am still getting used to my schedule at work but I think it should be easy enough to bring some gym clothes with me to work and go to the gym a few nights a week. I do plan on continuing with the DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) but I was noticing that the weight was coming off unevenly. I lost so much more weight in my lower half that I know I need to focus on doing things for my upper body as well, and of course the middle. hehe

I'm still amazed at how different clothes are fitting. I have been wearing more of my nicer clothes to my current job. Not because it's required but because I am trying to feel better about myself and looking good is a step in the right direction. Either way, I have a lot of shirts that have hung up in my closet for years! Example: the shirt I'm wearing today has been in my closet for at least a year possibly two and it still had the tags on it. The reason I never wore it was because it was a little snug and I never felt comfortable enough to wear it. I put it on this morning and it's almost TOO big! This shocked me. I hadn't realized I had been so heavy for so long. Its things like this that make me feel motivated to continue. Honestly one more size down in my pants and I'll be as small as I was when I first started working at linkLINE and was feeling pretty good about myself. I have two more sizes to go to get down to my smallest when I felt the best about myself. To put that into perspective, I've already gone down two pant sizes with just 20 pounds! What will another 20 pounds do for me? :) I can't wait to open up the bins in the garage of all my smaller clothes. It will be like having a whole new wardrobe!

Bonsai Tree: I have decided to buy myself a Bonsai tree. My friend Jason wrote a blog and at that moment it was exactly what I needed to hear. It was quite amazing the concept behind his post. He talks of a higher power but I place that higher power as Jesus Christ. It's quite an awesome symbol. For everything that has gone on in my life over the last few months I want the Bonsai tree to be a reminder, a symbol, of what God is doing in my life.

Anyway, scholars, wise men, and such would go up into the hills or somewhere in nature to be at peace, to reconnect, what have youÖ

Well they would come across these wonderfully gnarled, old trees, ones that you could tell that all that Nature could throw at it, she did, and still twisted and warped, dwarfed, and what have you this tree was still there.

Showing strength. Strength to withstand anything that came its way. To take the winds, that would eventually die down, the drought, anything and still stand and grow.

Those that would go and see this were absolutely fascinated, and fell in love. They wanted the view for themselves everyday. Well you canít just pull something like that out of the ground and walk it home with you, not back then anyway, just my thoughts.

So what they did instead was take a branch or seedling and plant it in very Ďthiní soil. Soil that was very course, and didnít hold nutrients or water very well. In this environment they would add just the right amount of water and nutrients to keep the tree alive and growing. While at the same time trimming and binding the trunk and branches to bring about the look, most of the time on a very small scale.

This process would take years, and a steadfast devotion to the vision of the outcome. If only we had that kind of attention span in America now huh? LOL weíd really be in some trouble, might not be using fossil fuels anymore evenÖ hehehe but thatís another story.

Back to what it made me think of, what if we could be like the tree itself?

No what if we are like the tree itself?

Something greater than us trying so hard with Love and devotion to help shape and prune us into something absolutely stunning and beautiful?

What if?


And all that we do, thinking we are in control is nothing more than needless branches that are attempted to be pruned offÖ But they just grow backÖ

And if we just let go to this power, this Power that is greater than ourselves in this body? And just grow, let this Power to shape and take care of the Ďbig pictureí as it has a whole lot better view than we do.

I bet our lives would be a whole lot different for most. I bet most peoples Ďproblemsí would quickly fade with little or no struggle.

Those that are taking who knows how many pills for those emotional problemsÖ Those fretting over HIV, or cancer, or you name it. What would happen there? I believe that if one were to truly let go. That this higher Power would do exactly what it has wanted to do and prune them awayÖ

But we hold these things so close to us when we are told we have any said condition. When you hold it close itís like the bonzi craftsman trying to prune an ugly branch or trunk that is too close to the root system and will disturb the whole tree, killing it.

We have to no longer choose to give it energy and allow it to fall away from the Ďroot systemí to no longer hold it so close. No longer talk/complain about it all the time. If one canít be thankful for itís removal before itís removed at least take all attention away from itÖ and see how quickly it withers, and gets prunedÖ

What if you were like the bonzi tree? What could you imagine happening in your life?

The bolded part was the part I needed to hear at that exact moment. A lot of the time I sit there and ask myself "why, why is this all happening at once?" or "ok I can understand but why does it have to be this way or that way?" So this post was impacted my perspective and I want to keep that perspective and I think having the Bonsai tree on my desk would be a reminder to keep the right perspective. If you would like to read the entire post Click Here

Anyways, if you read through this whole thing than thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it's long winded but I felt the need to share.

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Sunday, September 24, 2006

Man, today was a busy but great day! I think I overdid it a little being sick and all.

I woke up at about 9:00 and got ready and had to be over at my sisters house at 10:30 this morning to go down to SC Village Paintball Park for my nephews birthday. I was planning on playing until Friday when my cold not necessarily making me feel that sick but just took a lot out of me. I felt physically and mentally drained all day and night Friday and was left with sheer exhaustion and I didnít want to overdo it with playing paintball. So I decided to go down and take some pictures with my new camera so I could kind of be involved without playing.

It was a lot warmer then I expected it to be. I got some great shots but by the second game I felt weak and tired. I decided to go back to my brotherís truck and write in my journal. I had already played paintball at this same place with my old company linkLINE last year so I kind of knew how it worked. I knew there were only a couple fields I could get decent shots from outside the boundaries. But when I went to write in my journal I was so physically drained I could barely hold the pen! I wrote about a page and gave up and just enjoyed the solitude and the breeze and went into a partial state of sleep where youíre constantly aware of all the sounds around you.

Everyone took a lot longer then I expected to come back to the cars, and when they did the day was over. So I took some end of the day shots and started to feel revived from my nap. My brother and I drove home; he rushed to take a shower. (I sometimes wished I was a guy, he was done in like 5 minutes!) We had to get back over to my sisters place for Baileyís birthday party. But being the unprepared aunt and uncle that weíve always been we had to make a quick stop off to Target to pick up a present.

Side Tangent:

So I told Brian I needed to pick up a hairdryer (mine decided to take a dive this morning) so he decided to head to the toy isles while I went to find the hairdryers. I was walking up an isle when I saw this lady and her daughter were taking up the whole end of the isle. I was a little frustrated that even though she saw me making my way down the isle she made no effort to move aside or tell her daughter to move the cart. I pardoned myself and squeezed through. I realized I missed the isle I needed and had to backtrack and sure enough the isle I needed the same lady had just moved into. And what would you guess? Sheís again taking up the whole isle allowing her daughter with the cart to wait directly in the middle of the isle while she is on one side. At this point Iím sick, rushed and not in the mood for being polite so I yet again squeezed by her cart but this time without any pardons. As I pick up what I needed she says rather loudlyÖ ďExcuse youĒ and at this point I was so frustrated I replied ďNo, actually itís more like excuse you.Ē Rarely do I give heed to rude people like this. Not sure if it was because I was sick, or tired or just not in the mood to let it go. Either way she continues by saying ďyou just ran over my daughterĒ and I turned and faced her slightly chuckling and said ďNo, I did *not* just run over your daughterĒ and she then kept going with ďno, you were trying to.Ē HAH! I flat out laughed at this point and repeated again that I did not even *try* to run over her daughter and left the isle. Sure enough as I was walking away with my back to her she called me the ďCĒ word! Can you believe it!?!?!?! I just kept walking and shook my head, laughing. Crazy!

End Side Tangent

Ok so Brian and I get to the party. I started to feel run ragged at this point. I try to eat pizza. It felt like the noise was exploding in my head. I couldnít seem to get my voice loud enough for people to hear and when I finally did get it loud enough for people to hear I was so exhausted I could barely finish what I had to say. There were lots of people there and lots of kids screaming and running around and everyone wanted me to go and take pictures of this and that. If I had felt more alert and less exhausted I would have jumped at the chance but everything started to become a HUGE chore. I endured as much as I could and got home at about 9pm.

Of course since I had taken so many great shots my sister wanted to see the ones she could post on her myspace. There were a lot and we couldnít just pick one or two. I really do love my new camera. One thing I noticed with my new camera on the flash shots is the complete lack of red eye that I always seemed to get with my Sony Cybershot. I know itís only a point and shoot and Iím not quite sure what technology is in the new camera to take that out without doing the triple flash that most point and shoot cameras use to get rid of red eye. Anyways, it was a lot of fun taking pictures with it today. It responds quickly and I still catch myself expecting to have to wait once a shot is taken with a flash before I can shoot again. So far Iím extremely pleased with my investment!

Here are some of my favorites of the day taken with my Nikon D70

My dad is so cute. He is going to have me take pictures of the families at church. I will have from mid-October until early December to complete it and we are going to put together a roster with family pictures included. It will help me with my portraits and who knows some families may really be blessed to have them. Iím looking forward to it. I definitely need to invest in a tripod before that time though.

I also took some pictures of a parade that my sister and her kids were in with Jeffís family minus Jeff. Tonight I saw a video of that same parade that my dad put together for my sister and her in-laws (at least in-laws until the divorce is final). My dad did a great job of putting the video together and added some of my pictures. I was actually quite proud of how my pictures turned out and felt again the urge to make this photography thing more then just a side hobby. We will have to wait and see what happens.

Here are some pictures of the parade. These were taken with my Sony Cybershot... Still a great camera!

I went to Drew and Heatherís wedding a few weeks ago and one of the many unique ideas she came up with was her sign-in book was a hard cover book of pictures of the two of them in their relationship. I was quite impressed with the book and felt I could really make a cool portfolio book or even a few portfolio books that way. I am going to look into what it takes to do that.

Well itís late and there is so much more I want to rattle on about but I think this should do it for now. I really need my rest. I am tired and really want to get over being sick.


Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I have had a wonderful day! The first wonderful day Iíve had in a LONG time. I am filled with a genuine happiness. So much has changed. Iíve been hurting for so long Iím not sure how to handle it. Something happened to me the other night, something unexpected. I went to bed feeling like it would never end; the pain, the sorrow, the hurt, the tearsÖ In the midst of yet another sleepless night filled with an indescribable ache; I woke with a new found freedom; a joy; a hope. I have not felt overwhelmed or sad or even emotional since that night. Itís only been a few days and I only keep feeling better. The heaviness that has lifted is incredible! I fear that it is only temporary. But I am not going to feed into that fear. I am going to believe that the battle is over. A new life has begun.

Itís amazing to see Godís hand in all of this. I feel truly blessed! The people He has put in my path. Friends that I hadnít realized I even had have been encouraging me and giving me advice. Not all of them giving me godly advice but their advice still brought me closer to God. Today I took a ďGratitude WalkĒ as my friend Jason called it. And it was invigorating! What I was instructed to do was to take a walk and say everything that I was grateful for in my life and I did just that! He also mentioned that I was quite down on myself and forced me through random moments in our conversations to name 5 new things I like about myself each time. That can be really tough. But the thing is, after only a few times I really do see a lot more about myself thatís good and that Iím grateful for. In all of the rejection Iíve experienced lately I kept feeling like there was something wrong with me, or that I had done something wrong. I now am starting to realize that in some cases it wasnít me at all and in other cases maybe the other person was the one that had something wrong with them. And that whatever they were dealing with, I shouldnít take as a personal attack on me.

I want to thank all my friends, especially those of you that have not allowed me to let any negative thoughts fester in our conversations. I am feeling so alive and free; Iím extremely excited to see what the future holds!

Oh and I GOT MY CAMERA! I love it! I take it with me EVERYWHERE! I take pictures of everything! I canít wait to get some photo shoots set up. Iíve been offering like never before. I sometimes wonder why I never invested into a camera sooner. It wasnít as expensive as I thought it would be, but then again I know this is only the beginning! Luckily this is a beginning I can live with for a while. Anyways, I leave you with some of my first shots with my new camera.


Tuesday, September 19, 2006

This morning as I was driving to work I heard the song below. It's a great song and it lifted my spirits. I know I am a strong person. I know that I am able to stand my ground. I believe I have already made it through the worst part of the storm. Hallelujah!

She never slows down
She doesnít know why but she knows that
When sheís all alone it feels like its all coming down

She wonít turn around
The shadows grow long and she fears
If she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when itís all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You wonít drown
And one day whatís lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She wonít make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fears whispering if she stands sheíll fall down

She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything sheís running from,
wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when itís all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You wonít drown
And one day whatís lost can be found
You stand in the rain

Superchic(k) - "Stand In The Rain"

Monday, September 18, 2006

Iím in an odd mood today; extremely anxious. I had a nightmare last night about a personal issue that is plaguing me. I canít seem to let it go. I guess because everything is up in the air. Iím not sure if I can handle much more of this uncertainty. But like everything else in my life (at least for now), I have no control over the outcome and itís scaring the hell out of me! SighÖ Oh well what can I do? Nothing. So Iím putting it out there. In hopes that getting it off my chest will somehow help.

I have decided to do something for myself. I think Iím going to go to the Getty Museum this weekend. I may force myself to go alone, though today and yesterday Iíve been extremely lonely. Not the friendship kind of lonely either. I guess with all the rejection and uncertainty in my life I would really like someone to like me for me. My self esteem has taken a beating on all sides. The latest blow was the deepest and most personal wound yet. Iím tired of not being enough or being too much. I guess we all have our times like this. I just have to keep living and someday things will just happen.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Itís a beautiful day! The weather is absolutely gorgeous outside. Itís a bit chilly and a light jacket is required. I LOVE this kind of weather! I woke up early this morning to go to Apple Valley for a parade that my niece and nephew were in. I still have no idea what the parade was even for. My guess is that it has something to do with Apple Valleyís anniversary. Either way I am glad I was able to get up early. It means I have more time for myself and to enjoy such a beautiful day.

On my way back to the house I stopped off at Starbucks for a coffee and saw the coolest thing Iíve seen all week! I so need to get myself one of these!

A Wilson Antenna Topper!

Anyways, I got a job! I now work for Alliance Payment Technologies a couple buildings away from my old job at linkLINE! Apparently Keith had just found out I was let go the week before and when they realized they needed someone he and Jess thought of me! I hadnít even applied for the job! I guess they got my number from Sam and called me that same afternoon. This was Monday. I got the call at around 2 pm and they asked me to come for an interview that day. I was planning on meeting Nancy for dinner down the hill so I decided I could make it. I got to the interview and by the time she stopped talking I was offered the job! It was so sudden I hadnít really thought about taking it. It was a commute, it was customer support and the pay was the lowest I told myself I would take. She asked when I could start if I did take the job, she wanted me to start the next day, Tuesday, and I told her I had a side job I was doing that I would probably not be able to start till the following Monday. Then she put icing on the cake for me. She said there was a lot of downtime and she would have no issues with me working on my brotherís site on the clock! So I felt that would more then make up for the money issue and this way Shawn will be able to pay me right away since we had thought I would just invoice him once I got a job.

The job is easy. I take very minimal calls in comparison to support at linkLINE. And itís merchant support rather then customer support. And itís for one application rather than troubleshooting multiple OS, applications, networks, etc.

I do hate the commute though. My car is in serious need of a tune-up so my friend David from church said heíd check it out. I might need new tires, which totally bites! But it does look like my car is going to have to last me longer then I anticipated.

Mike (a friend of the family) is coming to hang out with me and Brian at our place tonight. It should be fun to hear them go back and forth with each other. They used to be roommates.

Anyways, that is the quick update.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

My birthday has come and gone and now I'm another year older. This is my last year in my 20's. I will reach the big 30 next year. I'm not that scared of my 30's. I know too many people in their 30's to have a negative view of turning 30.

Birthday BBQ: So my birthday BBQ was an absolute blast! (I have been playing with a program called JAlbum and have all my pictures up but I'm not ready to show the link just yet. I have a lot more tweaking to do to the album.) Anyways, back to my birthday BBQ. I would have to say it was a success! I had a couple last minute cancellations but in the end I had about 25 people at my place. People showed up at 2pm and some didnít leave till after 11pm! I was able to introduce African Uno to a couple more people. I love that game! I was able to see old friends that I havenít seen in a while. And pretty much everyone said they had a great time. Thank you all who were able to make it! And I totally understand for those of you who had things come up.

I actually had an emotional weekend after the BBQ. I think because I had been planning on having the BBQ for so long and well with all the turmoil in my life lately I had some post-party blues. Sunday was emotional. I felt extremely sensitive about how people viewed me. That didnít change until probably last night. Iím not sure why Iím going through all of this.

My Birthday: Monday I was planning on staying home and vegging watching tv all day. My sister invited me to go to the beach but Iím not a big fan of the beach, at least not on Labor Day and not as a big production. I enjoy the beach when I can go for a couple hours, walk along the shore without shoes on and listen to the soothing sound of the waves without a lot of people around and most importantly looking through a lens at the beauty of it all. But unfortunately Heidi had invited the entire family and I felt a bit of an obligation to go. Mostly because I knew if my entire family was at the beach and I was home alone with my thoughts I could see depression being inevitable. My brother Brian was the one to finally convince me to go. He knew with everything going on in my life I would be ok till mid-day and then feel extremely lonely. So I grabbed some beach attire and a bag of things for the beach and ran out the door last minute.

The beach was everything I expected it to be: Miserable! There was no parking, it was packed with people and of course we had ice-chests, beach chairs, tents, boogie boards and anything else you can think of that would be required to make the beach an ďeventĒ. What made it worse is we were in multiple cars, so finding parking, loading and unloading became a huge chore. When my brother and dad came from the cars we found that we only had 3 hours worth of parking time. We went to Laguna, it was a smaller stretch of the beach. It was beautiful and if it hadnít been so miserably crowded I could see it being a great spot. I think Iíll have to come back in the winter. So I made the best of it. Enjoyed the time with my niece and nephew, got my feet wet, took some pictures, wrote in my journal, and listened to my iPod. Writing in my journal proved to be a waste of time. I was in a foul mood and I knew whatever I was writing was impeded by the dayís events. We decided not to try to find better parking after the 3 hours was up and went to the Cheesecake Factory at the Irvine Spectrum for my birthday dinner. My brother and I headed home. I felt bad because I spent the rest of the night talking to my friend Rachel on the phone but he had planned on giving me free reign of the tv and had bought me cookie dough ice-cream. It meant a lot to me and I felt really bad that I hadnít realized he had set out to do all that for my birthday.

My Camera: Looks like everyone knows what I really want. I only got money for my birthday, and in the cards they all said ďfor your cameraĒ! I love my friends! So I have enough I believe for the camera right now with what I have been putting into savings and the money I got for my birthday. I might not be able to afford tax and shipping depending on where I get it but Iím so close I think I will just get it. Right now Iím doing some research. I have two people Iím going to for advice. But I have made the decision to go with the Nikon D70. So hopefully in the next month I will have it! Yay!

Job Hunt: Well I heard the interview I had last week Monday went really well. My friend knew all three of the people on the panel and they had nothing but good to say about me. Unfortunately it came down to me and another girl and she was bilingual. So alas, Iím still without a job. But at least I know Iím not doing something stupid in the interviews. I was actually wondering if I was really making some big mistakes since Iíve been through so many interviews and havenít been picked. I was glad to finally hear from someone that knew the people on the panel. She said one of the ladies was so impressed she went to personnel and told them something like they needed to get me in there.

Temporary Work: I am doing temporary work for my brother Shawnís company. I need to make a splash page that allows people to pick their country and then for now they have 3 pages they need for sure built; the Global page, the U.S. page and the Fiji page. At this point my brother is working out deals with a few other countries so heís thinking it might possibly be a permanent position if things go as fast as he thinks they will. So weíll see. Iím scared to do programming work. I feel like I have more of an eye for the graphics and not the back-end. I am going to give it my best.

Life: So last week it seemed as if ďLifeĒ was going to take me out. Iím still struggling. Iím still fighting. But Iím still standing. Only a couple close friends know what the ďfinal blowĒ was all about. I am not giving up hope. Some days Iím extremely down, right now I know where I stand, I know what I need to do. Iím just not sure if I will get the chance to. But in the end if Iíve lost my chance then I have to be ok with that.

How appropriate, the song ďEverybody HurtsĒ by R.E.M. is now playing on my iTunes. Well I think this has been a sufficient update. Goodnight.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Last weekend was one tumultuous event after the next. Monday was the final blow and I honestly didnít know how to get myself back up. I still donít know how it happened. But it did.

Thank you to all of you who wrote with concern about my last post. That post was extremely emotional and I really was feeling so far down I didn't know how I was ever going to get back up again. It must have been all the prayers, because I'm standing. Iím back in the fight.

I got a call from my brother Shawn about some graphic work for Assemble Communications the day after my last post. I was still pretty emotional and to be honest, I think thatís the main thing that saved me. I was forced to get out of the ďmomentĒ and focus on a conference call with him and two of his employees. Itís a big project, one that will take me 2 weeks to a month just for the initial phase. Later I spoke to one of my brother Brianís friends about doing some graphic work for his company as well. Also my brother has a client that needs some basic stuff done. I should be able to keep busy.

Iíve hit a dry spell for finding places to apply to. It looks like the school districts have all stopped posting positions since theyíve already hired the staff for the year. I went to the Aflac interview and realized it was basically a sales pitch. Iíd have to spend 450.00 and wait a month to start working there in commission based sales. Not my cup of tea. I found out Wednesday I didnít get the job I interviewed for Monday.

Iím a bit discouraged. Iím trying to hold my head up. I know God has a plan. Heís been with me this long. Heís taken care of worse things in my life. I am just not sure what I need to be learning from all of this turmoil. My insecurities are taking a beating. Rejection is the essense of the battle.

So tomorrow is my birthday BBQ. It looks like it will be a full house, 30 or more. Iím looking forward to it. I hope to take a bunch of pictures. And I will post at least some of the best.

Today I cleaned the entire house, Iím dead tired but my mind is going a million miles an hour. I drove down to my friend Nancyís place in Perris, CA. for a Partylite show. Sheís becoming a consultant and this was her starter show. I spent more then I should have but I know how it goes, I used to be a consultant for Partylite. I have also decided to have a book party since a lot of my friends are done with the parties but like the product. And well Iím going to have 30 + people at my place tomorrow, my friend Rachel pointed out the benefit of showing the catalogs to all of them.

I am so glad to have been given the strength to get through my last fight. It was serious. It was overwhelming. I have only felt that low a couple times in my life and itís NOT fun. Thank you Lord for being there with me, or as the famous Footsteps in the Sand poem goes, You were carrying me through and thatís how I am still in this fight.

Well its after midnight, I should be sleeping, but I have a pile of papers on my bed that I need to go through before I can go to sleep. Goodnight.